“Everyone tells moms the same thing:
Get plenty of sleep. Rest when the baby rests. This is so important. Wake up two hours before the rest of the household so you can have a moment that’s just yours. Cook healthy, nutritious meals—but not vegan or vegetarian, or your children won’t get what they need. Don’t go full meat either; you’re not trying to destroy the environment, are you? And for the love of all that is holy, check your cookware—nonstick is poison, plastic leaches chemicals, glass shatters, metals build up. So… stainless steel it is. Oh, and never leave dishes in the sink, because slobby moms are obviously a threat to society.
Have a hobby. Stay yourself. But also, that laundry isn’t going to fold itself—probably eleven loads every morning. Exercise daily. Lose the baby weight. And eat enough to maintain milk supply. Or don’t breastfeed—sure, it’s fine, apparently you can still love your child, everyone says so.
Summer’s coming. Stock up on sunscreen and bug spray—it will kill your family, the coral reefs, and baby dolphins alike, but it’s essential. Get a spare for the car too. Speaking of that car, when did you last clean it? You’ll want it spotless for date night, free of dirty diapers, to-go cups, and the evidence of those days you felt like a failed human. And while we’re on the topic of date night—your spouse needs attention, at least once a week. Or four times, if the cosmic alignment of hormones says so. Maybe fold the laundry at the same time; multitasking is apparently key, even if it annihilates mindfulness.
Back to the car: rear-facing until they drive themselves or hit 160 pounds, whichever comes first. Don’t forget the ‘baby on board’ sticker so the world knows how devoted you are. Also, why are you in the car again when the laundry is screaming at you from the hallway?
Socialization is critical. You don’t want your kids to grow up weird or unable to share, even if sharing is basically nonsense. They need six hours outside a day—balance that with laundry folding by using freshly cleaned clothes as a makeshift outdoor table. Limit screen time to six seconds; otherwise, ADHD, probably from all those neon-colored treats at Sally’s birthday party. And yes, we saw that.
Bedtime comes with judgment. Too early? Too late? There is no right answer. But sing to your kids, read a story, tuck them in, smother them with kisses, and remind yourself—they are your joy, even if they scream purple-level rage. Joy, joy, joy.
Finally, remember yourself: wash your face, moisturize, don’t look like a worn-out hag tomorrow—but hurry, your spouse has that look in his eye, and laundry still exists. Oh, and did you floss today?”
